I hope Ms. Bee doesn’t mind that I’m using her image as an illustration to my journal entry. It was just so perfect and I didn’t want to be rude and not give her proper credit.
What makes someone human? Is it intelligence? Is someone who is more intelligent than another, more human? When does one get to stop being told they are human and start feeling it? Lately I have been suprising myself with my own decisions and growth. It is as if I am going through ecdysis, peeling back my epedermis to reveal a budding inner self. Without getting into all the messy details I have learned that one does not know heartache when one thinks they do, that you can literaly spend your entire life with someone and still not know who they are or what they are going to say or do, and that you can let go of all your nets and still fall safely.
Time is a beautiful thing. With all our sorry attempts to reverse the aging process, get back to our youth, stop the clock from ticking, we forget what we gain in our metamorphisis into adulthood. We are so keen on looking toward the horizon toward our future and remembering our past that we forget we are living in the present. What did you gain back then that you couldn’t do now? What miracles are you expecting to pop into your life that you couldn’t be working on in your life as you are living it? At the risk of sounding like a metaphysical top of the charts nonsense guru I say live for today because that’s all you get. We aren’t living in our own personal production of “Groundhog Day,” if you don’t do what you want now then you lose that day forever.
Now admittedly I haven’t perfected this process. Everyone has their hang-ups, I have mine, but this is a metamorphisis not a transmogrification. There is no “perfect life fairy” giving you the strength and the inhibition blocking gusto you need to live your life like you want it to be lived. I’ve done things in these last few months that I would have never done if it weren’t for my own personal confidants. Your friends aren’t the ones who tell you “no” for any reason, nor are they the little bobble-heads who pass you through to your next bad decission. Talk to them, talk to your family, talk to the internet, talk to a tree, just get yourself out of your head for a little bit. DO NOT for any reason think that you can do whatever it is you are doing on your own. Good idea or bad idea, one wo/man trip to the moon, you need help. It may be a voyage to personal growth and in the end you are the only one who gets to make your decisions, but you need advice, and you CANNOT grow without a little tears, smiling faces, and fresh perspective.
I know there are things I could be doing that I’m sacrificing to write this. Right now there is an ocean of clothes on my floor, a dish washer filled with dirties, and a piling “to-do” list that I don’t even want to look at let alone accomplish. No one is perfect, least of all me. However, personal growth and life fufillment is not about how much you can do from the moment you open your eyes in the morning to the moment you drift off to the land of nod (most likely completely exhausted), it’s about doing all that with the warm satisfaction that you’ve done a job well done and when you wake up in the morning for the nth time you won’t have any regrets, any worries, anything to say to your partner/parent/sibling/roommate/cieling but “GOOD MORNING!” and mean it.
I’m assuming you are a good person. You get to decide what that means, but if you don’t feel it now you should. I’m saying that I love you because you deserve to hear it. I’m hoping that tomorrow or the rest of the day (depending on your time zone) will be the best day of your life so far; no matter what happens. And finally, I’m telling you right now that there is absolutely nothing short of a bullet to the head that will stop you from living your life if you do not let it. Your partner, the news headlines, your waistline, your test scores, your pay check, that snotty boy or girl who gives you the stink eye, to bastardize “The Labyrinth” for a second, they have no power over you.
I love you, I love you, I love you!
Bailey
